Of Fish and Family

I think it’s time I started an ‘I’m not really doing anything but lets prove the contrary on my blog’ blog.

Because I’m sure exciting things have happened since my last post but I can’t think of much.

I returned to my volunteering because the job search bites the lonely bone and I was turning into that hermit that sleeps on a pile of my unsorted possibly washing still smells fine clothes-mattress.

My loins burned my freeze-pak but that’s purely Melbourne’s random left-field freezing one-day / 4000 degrees the next kind of weather. Not my loins. My loins are fabulousity.

I’ve watched Season 1 of Once Upon A Time so many times that I almost lose hope of being a writer because of how spooky-awesome it is. And yet – at the same time – I’ve written possible scenarios on how best on incorporate Ursula the sea-witch, the princess and the pea and the Frog Prince.

I’ve been impressed by Amish people rum-shpringing in the UK.

I bought 2 new fish, 1 died from dropsy – buried him in the garden. Didn’t bury him deep enough and found the small package sitting atop the freshly dug earth & hid the evidence from my heartbroken mother.

And I’ve been contemplating what it would take me to become a primary teacher – with hilarious results. Still on the ‘possible’ rack though. Not definite.

And I bought a lamp.

On eBay.

For a dollar.

I love lamp.

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On previous post updates I haven’t heard from either ‘father’ but I didn’t get my hopes up. I simply sent them both a ‘happy fathers day’ email and left it at that.

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I was most recently criticized for being to aggressive when it comes to my family. I guess that’s true. It’s just the mold of ‘procrastination’ that I’m trying to break around me. Those closest to me have noticed my lack of job, outings, socializing etc.

Well remember that time that you wanted to get paid to be on Facebook all day? I found that job. It’s called ‘The Dole’.

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On other news I have become a little bit of a green thumb, and one of the psycho-neighbors finally left the building. But not without leaving a wonderful shit-cake stain along the wall of one side of the building. Paint scrapers, rain and high-pressure hose got nothing on it. Man she was a psychodisgustapating minger.

Hasn’t dissuaded my chives, mint and parsley though.

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I can talk to possums.

Or more accurately, sometimes at night they come near my window and do this weird, creepy whoooOOAOOAAAAAAAAA sound.

Which I can now duplicate to return the ‘freak me out’ favor.

Me x

She who mustn’t be acknowledged

From the time I turned maybe….7, each Fathers Day I would be asked by friends parents whether or not I felt sad ‘today’ because I didn’t have a father. At the time I felt insulted on behalf of my mother – many a child has grown and succeeded from a single-mother household. Single parents don’t disadvantage the child at all. In fact, the child is even more spoilt because the parent in question doesn’t have to divide their time between their partner and their child.

Anyway, mum had me at 16.

And I was feckin adorabubbles

Anyway. The ‘Who’s Your Daddy’ question has come up so often and mum has always hedged and dodged the questions or given me anything except a straight answer. In the interest of maintaining readers on this blog and not wanting to frustrate you I’ll just share the one meaty, chunk of a quote.

When you were born the blood test said you were Father B’s but in my heart you’re Father A’s.

And then life happened and my aunts, three in particular, wanted to help me try and solve the mystery.

So Aunty 3, introduced me to Father B’s cousin. Who promptly told me that I was Father B’s daughter.

Then Aunty 2, showed me a letter from Father B’s mother and sisters proudly proclaiming that I am Father B’s daughter.

And I told all this to Aunty 1 who promptly told me that Father B told her point blank that he wasn’t my father.

 

So I found them on Facebook and asked them both, individually…for the ONE answer.

And suddenly I understand why people cross their hearts.

And then I left the building

sorry barely had my fingers cooled from typing my last post and I’ve quit the course.

Regrets? No not really. I wish I’d gotten to speak to a teacher to tell them officially to their face that it was nothing personal. I wish I could’ve said Goodbye in person to the one guy who made classes and lunch breaks bearable. I wish I could’ve told the one teacher whose classes I tolerated what a stellar teacher he is.

I wish I could have told the other teacher that I thought her classes we unorganized and boring as stale shit.

But now I’m off to a short course tailored specifically to the style I want to write and none of the extra crapola. So in that I am extremely happy.

Irony is studying writing but not upkeeping my blog for 3 months.

It’s not that I haven’t had the time or even that nothing interesting has happened. The point of it all is that I’ve pretty much been studying writing since my last post and after critiquing some of my schoolmates work I’ve decided I can’t write. Like at all. I pretty much type crap without the excuse of drinking booze while I do it. That would be a waste of booze. So to get us all up to scratch on how I’m doing I’m just going to upload all the random notes I’ve been taking for school. The scribbly bits, not the actual school work. I’M the one who wants to be a writer. You want tips you pay your own damn fees and find out how for yourself.

In fiction class we had to ‘observe’ people and write what we observed. Then come back to class and share the observations.

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Observation No#1 - The Dude in the school square

It’s hard to look that casual with a cast on your arm. People probably didn’t even notice the odd symbols drawn on the outside of it. It’s a nicely tailored blue suit, the crisp white shirt stands out against his olive skin. And the students passing by aren’t looking at him because of that either.

They’re looking at that sideshow-bob blondey-orange curly fro.

Observation No#2 – The Social Security Line

What is it about a Centrelink or Social Security office that sucks all the life out of us? I think in some ways it’s comparable to waiting in hospital to see if you’ve got cancer; except instead of doctors it’s social workers, and instead of cancer is tax-payer funded dole-checks. No one makes eye contact and pretends to watch the small television in one corner with no sound.

The security guard isn’t there to guard crap. He’s there in his Wilson’s Parking uniform trying to look formidable and sneering at anyone who isn’t a hot young female.

And there’s NEVER enough social workers to meet demand – has anyone else noticed that? EVER! You walk in and you may be one of five in a queue. There are 7 social workers there probably chatting over last nights ‘Biggest Loser’ episode. Suddenly they notice you standing there impatiently and it’s like an auto-pilot offurious-typing-must-look-very-busy.

Observation #3 – Mr. Nice Guy

It doesn’t matter how much money you make, how you’re dressed or the fact that you may have a homely looking face. If you’re a man on public transport and you surrender your seat to an elderly, disabled or pregnant person then BUCKLE-UP Mr. Nice Guy because you’re suddenly irresistible to me.

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Outside of the box

There was one guy who was in our class who was absolutely – hands-down one of the coolest males I have ever met. He not only thought outside of the box he LIVED outside of it. He taught our class how to schuck the human trappings and step into oblivion. He made OBLIVION  cool. When we were doing the observation exercise above, there were a few people who came back with the mundane ‘in the box’ answers. So did he. The difference was his cadence made observing the mundane a completely interesting and exciting thing.

YOU saw people waiting in traffic?! WOW!!! WHERE?!!

He left the course and the gaping hole of imagination he left behind still festers in our class sometimes – when I can be stuffed actually GOING to class.

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The guy I WON’T miss was the gay, french imbecile who left after the first week of class. Thank fuck he did. Mr ‘I Have An Opinion On Everything’. EVERYTHING! EVERY DAMN THING!

I STILL despise him for making me defend Justin Bieber. He maintained he could sing better because he’d been in a production of ‘Cats’. Whoop-dee-bloody-doo mate. Or ‘sacre bleu and Oooh La La’ even. Have YOU made two albums go multi – platinum and have your own movie? NO. So SHUT UP.

Ah, the French.

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Art Galleries and why we don’t go see them

For our Journalism class we had to write an article on our local art gallery as a feature article piece. The aim of it was to give the art gallery student-appeal. One problem – major one actually – was that, as a fiction writer, I just couldn’t get my head around writing journalism. I wrote my first two drafts as a personal review. The concept basically being – a murder at the art gallery, using the moderately interesting areas of the gallery as clues to solve the mystery.

The problem with that is no one was murdered.

The problem with that is I was writing FICTION rather than journalism.

The problem with that is I was turning it personal which made it sound like a review rather than an impersonal feature article.

And the problem was there is nothing remotely exciting for a student in an art gallery that doesn’t have neon-XXX lights in the front windows.

BOR-ING.

Whomever deity it may have been; Mary, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Superman…whatever. Thank you for the eleventh-hour epiffany where I realised the difference between fiction review and journalistic feature article.

Basically you quote lots of famous people and regurgitate other journalists crap.

That’s pretty bloody simple, huh? Does ANY journalist write with originality anymore? Or is it all Google-searched regurgitated crap?

I say Door number 2.

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A free cat/kitten or a scam?

I have been looking to adopt a warm-blooded pet because as lovely as my Siamese Fighter fish are I would like something I can cuddle at night etc. So I looked on my local Trading Post for a cat or kitten nearby that I could adopt and I found a very peculiar ad. Because the person was offering ‘Purebred British Shorthair kittens’ as ‘Free to a good home’.

Thinking I may perhaps have landed the deal of the year but not holding my breath, I immediately contacted the person selling them to ask what, if anything, was wrong with the wee kitty’s, seeing as a purebred kitten is usually priced in the region of $500+AUD.

This is the response I received. I have omitted names & emails to protect both of us, and also because I pity ignorance and don’t wish to turn this into a smear/hate campaign.

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Hello
Thank you for your interest in this race. We have a male and female kittens
Sex: female and male
Age: 11 weeks
Champion bloodlines: Yes
Champion request: yes
Show potential: Yes
Note: The enrollment / registration, current vaccines, Veterinarian examination,
       Health certificate, Health guarantee, Pedigree, Travel Case
My name is Jane Smith. So I would like to hear from you
Where are you located?
Have you ever had a pet?
Are you a veteran?
Do you have children and have enough space?
be careful?
Please, sorry for all the question I just want to ensure that my children come to a beautiful family
thanks
Jane

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Hi Jane,
Thank you for your prompt reply.
My name is Hikeezy.
I live in Melbourne with my mother and grandmother.
I have had 2 pet dogs before, Ridgebacks the last of which died late last year.
I currently have two pet fish too.
I have always wanted a cat and took to adopting strays when I was little.
Now that I live alone I have hoped for a kitten.
I have no children, although my boyfriend is trying very hard to get me pregnant.
I’m not sure what you mean by ‘veteran’ but I am close to a veterinarian?
As to whether or not I’m careful, I’m not sure what you mean by that either.
But I have been told that I need to wait for my cat – as a pet chooses me and not the other way around.
This is why I contacted you – I understand your wishes to ensure your cats find good homes and people who will love them and treat them as family.
I have space but I would like to tell you honestly that I do not trust my neighborhood and therefore, if you were to gift me a kitten I would keep it as a strictly INDOORS cat. Especially since it has a fine pedigree.
I hope this information helps.
Regards,
H

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Hello
Thanks for your response to our  cute baby,
we do have two left
they are 11 weeks old
well socialized with kids
dewormed and vaccinated
potty trained and micro chipped
Right now i am in Darwin with my family
so if you can come for a pick up here it will be very nice of you.
if you can not, then we can arrange for home delivery today
which will cost you $200 for the transportation of the one  kitten and  for both will cost you $350
from  Darwin to your home address in Melbourne .
i will send the kittens tomorrow morning,
just provide the information below
i am not selling them
but i am giving it for adoption because of my health condition.
i have been diagnose of the cancer of the brain.
i will have no time to care for them
and as you best know pets are like children
and needs a lot of care.
This money will be paid to the agency directly
for the transportation of kittens
from Darwin for delivery to your home address.
they will be coming along with their food menu,
Health certificates, their toys.
And you will have to assure me
that you will be sending pictures of him to me.
so if okay
get back to me  with your full contact delivery information
so  that i can registered him for delivery
to your home address this morning.
With this information
i can register the puppies
and you have it home today
i will need the following information from you

Names?
City?
Post Code?
House Address?
Contact Number?

send this information now so that i can send my daughter to go and
register him now, for delivery to your home address today.
since the agency is not far from my house.
As soon as i have all this information
i will do the registration and you have the kittens this morning at your door step
thanks and waiting

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Hello again,

Unfortunately I have been given a kitten today by someone in my state.
I did not realise that you and the kittens were in Darwin as I believe your listing said you were located in Melbourne. After receiving your email this morning I contacted another friend instead.
Best of luck to your health and to the rehoming of your cats.

Regards,
H

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ok my dear what is the problem is it about the cost just tell me then i will help you o.k

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Hi Jane,

There is not a problem at all, but thank you for asking.
I simply wished to adopt from someone close by rather than Darwin.
I was interested in your kittens as they are pedigree but Melbourne and Victoria as a State have plenty of cats and kittens that need furever homes so I have looked elsewhere.

Once again, best wishes in your battle with Brain Cancer and I hope you find good homes for your kittens in Darwin since it would be less traumatic on them if they could stay up there rather than post them anywhere.

Best wishes,
H

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my dear it means really you are not a real lover or you never have love for my kittens because the distance will not be a barrier because when i adopt this kittens from some one in London why because i really love the kittens o.k so what is your problem is it the cost

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Hi Jane,

I understand how you feel and I respect that the distance may not be a barrier for many future cat lovers.

It is not the cost but simply the distance, as somebody who has wanted a cat for a long time now I will simply wait for my friends to get back to me on their kittens. As their British Shorthair cat has just had a litter 1 month ago and I will wait for them to be old enough and buy one off them instead.

Thank you again for your concerns but I would rather pay someone here in Victoria, as I said in my last email, I wouldn’t want to traumatize my future pet via postal service. I do not need assistance with payment, I simply want a cat I can pick up here.

I hope you find someone soon for your kittens and wish you the best of luck.
Best wishes,
H

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I think it’s interesting that in the first email she introduces herself as Jane Smith (or something very similarly Anglo-Saxon like Sarah Miller etc.) and yet clearly from the tone of her emails – she has little to no command of English or English grammar AT ALL. The spacing was atrocious too but that has been omitted.

I wonder if any of you reading this noted that she mentions PUPPIES in her second email where she mentions money. And even though the money was enough to send up warning signals, the mention of the fact that a ‘Pedigree breeder’ can’t distinguish the difference between a puppy and a kitten was enough of another warning signal to put me off completely.

But I guess the biggest thing that I found offensive – and I don’t mind admitting that I lost a bit of sleep over it tonight – is the point where I’m being told that I mustn’t be a ‘Real cat lover’ at all. That hurt. But rather than dwell on it I hope Jane and her fake cancer are fine and that she and all the kitten-puppies in Darwin are okay.

Score

Hikeezy – 1

Nigerians – 0

A seafood apology

Dear Cougie,

Remember how one time you and are were chatting about how hilarious the word Minge is? And how my family is utterly convinced that the word was invented by them and that people who aren’t in my family may use the word but it doesn’t mean the same thing that we use it for?

Well I just wanted to say we have a new word for that word. And it too begins with an M.

It’s Mussel. And it turns out that it really works because we’ve been using it all this week. In fact when mum irritated me earlier tonight I told her she was a pain in the Mussel. And she’s still half-watching the tennis and half-chooklaffing about Mussel.

I’m sorry for the visual that may bring. And I apologise for the potentially damaging mental issue that may ensue with eating said Mussels.

But as mum just pointed out its’ all seafood, really.
LOL

Keezy

 

UPDATE: Last night I told someone about the above invention and just he looked at me sceptically and says “Umm…I dunno…I’d say they’re more Spanish Dancer fish than mussels.” (?!) Riiiiight….remind me not to look him in the eye. Ever. Again.

Lard Fusion

Wouldn’t it be great if Cold Fusion was actually invented but it was made of something like CELLULITE or human FLAB which would mean that any fat / morbidly obese person could totally go into their local BP for deposits and then there would be no fat people except that there WOULD TOTALLY BE more fat people but we would be eating junk in order to better the world because we’d be powering your offices and ensuring the flying of your aeroplanes?!

However, one of the many repercussions would be that society as a whole would become enablers because people would HAVE to be fat-farmed in order to keep the status-quo afloat/aflyin/aflame etc. And fat people would become the next Nouveau Riche pimping their flab to the highest bidder etc.

Then there’s the question of hoarder-whales because there are always gonna be selfish hoarder-whales who don’t want to give up their precious cargo just because your air-con isn’t running over summer. And then being a hoarder-whale couldn’t possibly be against the law because of the Constitution! And the UN will pass a Freedom of Fat codex.

AND then America would totally be out of debt and everybody would be employed again because we’re gonna need a lot of people to service the new cold-fusion lard-centres (which I guess isn’t what they’d be called but I would absolutely write a letter in protest or recommendation).

Someone should really get started on that.